Why? Because it's all wrong, that's why. Everything about me, obviously. I don't know about you, you're probably perfect or at least comparatively speaking if we are using me as the yard stick here. That guy people are happy to hold up, at arms length and say glad I'm not him. Alway happy to put things into perspective. I know things are a mess, I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know and I hate it. I'd give anything to have some direction in my life and I know you only ever want the best for me, I know that, and I know I know this aimless funk is frustrating for you because it is frustrating for me and all I want right now is time, just time to figure things out on my own and make my own stupid mistakes so I can learn my own lessons. It's cliche almost, the parent who doesn't want to see his child have to go through the same shit they did but I don't know, that's all I want right now.
Fuck this computer. God I need something to happen I need to do something I need money to move out to travel to write to do something anything I need to make things happen but what am I expecting something to happen while I sit behind the keyboard that's the last place anything will ever happen.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Did I ever have roommates?
No I didn't. But his name was Jacques. He was from Montreal or something. We didn't talk much. He spoke English but he was good for forgetting whenever I asked him not to smoke. Which was a lot, actually. I didn't at first because I didn't want to be that jackass who tries to enforce his right to not seek out lung cancer on other people and because Jacques seemed like a nice guy, maybe the kind of nice guy who would take my throwing open windows and making pantomime choking faces as hints. Maybe he had aspergers. I hear those guys have trouble picking up on social cues. So I started getting more verbal and I swear to god he jumped to three packs a day - three packs a day while in the apartment, who knows what he did outside.
That was when we stopped being nice to each other, I think, well, it's when I stopped being nice to him at least. Did you know he didn't drink milk? He called me bad words in French and said I was disgusting, and then, and this wasn't a coincidence because this man was nothing if not controlled and regimented chaos, he went two weeks without a shower, and he still brought home at least three different women during that same period (one of them introduced herself as Mercedes which at least made me feel a little bit better). It got to the point with Jacques that I would stop bringing friends over because to everyone in the world except myself, the one man in the world who had no choice but to be around him, he was the most charming Frenchman in the world, which is saying something, I think. If I had had a girlfriend (and I never did during our time together, a detail that Jacques was never shy in pointing out) I would have quickly lost out to my roommate.
I don't remember what he did for living. He might have been a bicycle courier. He definitely biked a lot. He kept the bike on the balcony (once, in a fit of vengeful rage after I "accidentally" used his expensive oyster mushrooms in a quite excellent stir-fry, he "accidentally" knocked over the adorable potted mint plant I had been growing that my mother had given me as house warming gift and it dropped twenty stories straight before making some neighbourhood cats very happy). He also followed competitive racing; he may be the only person I've met to own up to that. I heard him tell a woman once that he had been this close to the Olympics once, and it was stupid but I didn't disbelieve him right away.
You asked if I ever had a roommate. I haven't, but his name was Jacques.
That was when we stopped being nice to each other, I think, well, it's when I stopped being nice to him at least. Did you know he didn't drink milk? He called me bad words in French and said I was disgusting, and then, and this wasn't a coincidence because this man was nothing if not controlled and regimented chaos, he went two weeks without a shower, and he still brought home at least three different women during that same period (one of them introduced herself as Mercedes which at least made me feel a little bit better). It got to the point with Jacques that I would stop bringing friends over because to everyone in the world except myself, the one man in the world who had no choice but to be around him, he was the most charming Frenchman in the world, which is saying something, I think. If I had had a girlfriend (and I never did during our time together, a detail that Jacques was never shy in pointing out) I would have quickly lost out to my roommate.
I don't remember what he did for living. He might have been a bicycle courier. He definitely biked a lot. He kept the bike on the balcony (once, in a fit of vengeful rage after I "accidentally" used his expensive oyster mushrooms in a quite excellent stir-fry, he "accidentally" knocked over the adorable potted mint plant I had been growing that my mother had given me as house warming gift and it dropped twenty stories straight before making some neighbourhood cats very happy). He also followed competitive racing; he may be the only person I've met to own up to that. I heard him tell a woman once that he had been this close to the Olympics once, and it was stupid but I didn't disbelieve him right away.
You asked if I ever had a roommate. I haven't, but his name was Jacques.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
These missed connections have me all wrapped up. I'm just a big old romantic I guess, but a romantic who doesn't want to hear a happy ending. Give me opportunities lost, meaningful glances on trains going opposite ways and people who always do the wrong thing in social situations please.
Derrida on the subway
I got on at VP but you didn't see me because you were studying so intently. it was exam season I guess and you were constantly checking the derrida sitting on the seat next to you. I thought of a great ice breaker that would have made you laugh and maybe for a moment make you forget how awful school is, but I don't know, the train was filling up and then there was a fat man and a stroller between us. If you still need a good derrida joke, message me
Derrida on the subway
I got on at VP but you didn't see me because you were studying so intently. it was exam season I guess and you were constantly checking the derrida sitting on the seat next to you. I thought of a great ice breaker that would have made you laugh and maybe for a moment make you forget how awful school is, but I don't know, the train was filling up and then there was a fat man and a stroller between us. If you still need a good derrida joke, message me
Monday, May 12, 2008
Missed Connections
I fell in love with Craiglist today, but that hardly makes me unique. Here are missed connections (toronto for context) I might put up when I feel brave
LOGAN AND DANFORTH (Sunday)
You were sitting by the fountain w/ a guy but you weren't smiling. He was talking a lot. I was making a mess out of a gyro. When our eyes met we had a moment, I think, I hope and I would do anything to see that smile again
Queen Streetcar (Sat 4 AM?)
I was drunk on too many Stellas and you were straight passed out, but graceful in your slouch. I like to think that it was expensive vodkas on another guy's tab and so much dancing that did you in. I sat opposite you and gave dirty, boozy looks to anyone who came near. I didn't like the idea of leaving you alone and asleep so I missed my stop by five before you came to life and stumbled off at Leslie. Not looking for a 'thank you', just a 'hello'
Giving money to homeless (Bay&Queen)
You were offering to buy that homeless man a coffee and I heard you ask his preference on organic and you were so perfect and stunning standing there that I had to do something. I dropped some change in the guy's hat, everything in my pocket and I tried to smile at you but it was awkward I think and I lost my nerve. I'd like to buy you a coffee. I know a place you'd love
Campus Second Cup (UofT Sid Smith)
I bought a coffee everytime I saw you working there. You remember me I think, you recommended a vanilla soy latte once, and you weren't wrong, but I never knew if you were interested or just polite. You told me your major once (linguistics) but do you remember mine?
Friends party --- good convo sat night?
We talked a bit at a friends party, you know one of those convos slightly tipsy hipster kids with too much school can have (nabokov? ninja turtles? don't even remember). I didn't get your number and we didn't even bother with names and then I saw you leave. I could probably look you up on facebook but I have a feeling this might be faster. hope I'm not wrong
Downtown chapters weds afternoon
You were a really good looking cashier and we both share a love for Shel Silverstein. I should have got your number but I always freeze up in those situations
Taking out garbage (annex)
I was biking by and you were struggling with the new bins (you could probably fit in one right?) and I made some not so witty remark but you laughed and smiled anyway. I should have stopped to help you at least but I was late for something and suddenly very nervous
LOGAN AND DANFORTH (Sunday)
You were sitting by the fountain w/ a guy but you weren't smiling. He was talking a lot. I was making a mess out of a gyro. When our eyes met we had a moment, I think, I hope and I would do anything to see that smile again
Queen Streetcar (Sat 4 AM?)
I was drunk on too many Stellas and you were straight passed out, but graceful in your slouch. I like to think that it was expensive vodkas on another guy's tab and so much dancing that did you in. I sat opposite you and gave dirty, boozy looks to anyone who came near. I didn't like the idea of leaving you alone and asleep so I missed my stop by five before you came to life and stumbled off at Leslie. Not looking for a 'thank you', just a 'hello'
Giving money to homeless (Bay&Queen)
You were offering to buy that homeless man a coffee and I heard you ask his preference on organic and you were so perfect and stunning standing there that I had to do something. I dropped some change in the guy's hat, everything in my pocket and I tried to smile at you but it was awkward I think and I lost my nerve. I'd like to buy you a coffee. I know a place you'd love
Campus Second Cup (UofT Sid Smith)
I bought a coffee everytime I saw you working there. You remember me I think, you recommended a vanilla soy latte once, and you weren't wrong, but I never knew if you were interested or just polite. You told me your major once (linguistics) but do you remember mine?
Friends party --- good convo sat night?
We talked a bit at a friends party, you know one of those convos slightly tipsy hipster kids with too much school can have (nabokov? ninja turtles? don't even remember). I didn't get your number and we didn't even bother with names and then I saw you leave. I could probably look you up on facebook but I have a feeling this might be faster. hope I'm not wrong
Downtown chapters weds afternoon
You were a really good looking cashier and we both share a love for Shel Silverstein. I should have got your number but I always freeze up in those situations
Taking out garbage (annex)
I was biking by and you were struggling with the new bins (you could probably fit in one right?) and I made some not so witty remark but you laughed and smiled anyway. I should have stopped to help you at least but I was late for something and suddenly very nervous
Monday, May 5, 2008
a hundred other things i could be doing
goin through my notebooks
somebody else has been in them
i think
i don't remember
writing any of this
maybe some of it
half finished thoughts
ideas that didn't go anywhere
those are definitely mine
i like notebooks
use both sides of the page please
save paper
indents on the page from
a furious mind
create your own personal brail
when you go blind
you wont lose everything
somebody else has been in them
i think
i don't remember
writing any of this
maybe some of it
half finished thoughts
ideas that didn't go anywhere
those are definitely mine
i like notebooks
use both sides of the page please
save paper
indents on the page from
a furious mind
create your own personal brail
when you go blind
you wont lose everything
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