Conspiracy Theories

You want to talk about conspiracy theories? With me? I know what you want to talk about. You want to talk about 9/11 thruths and new world orders and chemtrails and high fructose corn syrups and I bet you still have questions about who killed JFK you fucking sheltered little shit. Let me blow your mind. It doesn't matter who killed Kennedy, not that I don't know who killed "him" because I do, I do know who killed "JFK" and his name was Harold Hauptman, a 24 year old devout protestant pig farmer from Wisconsin but you don't know why that is significant becuase you still think "JFK" was a real person, you poor naive bastard.

He wasn't. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 35th President of the United States of "America" was not a real person. The "JFK" you know was nothing more than a series of similar looking actors propped up and strung along by the Kennedy family (don't get me started on those communist sons of bitches) and the Catholic Church in an attempt to widen the influence of that godless pope over the people of America.

Why the fuck do you think they killed Marilyn Monroe? Are you stupid? And Bobby Kennedy, at least he was a real human being, he threatened to go public once he was elected.

So you still care about who killed him? It wasn't the CIA you fuckhead. Why would they have cared? They were too busy trading arms with the Russians and developing eugenically enhanced supermen to replace every single fucking world leader.

Harold Hauptman like I said. He pieced the whole thing together from blurry pictures in old Time magazines and at the urging of his minister traveled to Dallas to expose the conspiracy. The Catholic Church using the extensive power and influence it had gained during "JFK's" short term, gave him the inventive name of "Lee 'Harvey' Oswald" and some bullshit backstory and then had him killed two days later by a member of the Pope's own personal death squad, but you would know him as Jack Ruby, the innocent shitter you are.

I'm not done with you yet. Let's keep talking about presidents. Everybody already knows Nixon was a Chinaman, but I bet you didn't know that Reagan was a robot.

He wasn't always. Ronald Reagan, distinguished actor and movie star was not a robot. You want to know more about that guy? Read his fucking wikipedia (that's a fucking joke, unless you really want the government harvesting you credit card numbers).

Nobody will tell you this but Ronald Reagan didn't die in 2004, he died in 1962, gasp oh my goodness, what a coincidence, the same year he became a republican. Ronald Reagan a republican? Are you fucking dense? The man was god damned communist, and he suddenly starts selling ovens for GE? Don't insult my intelligence. What the Republican party and this country's military industrial complex don't want you to know is that Ronald Reagan, actor, died in a plane crash in Arizona when his single engine Cessna went down, oh, gee, more fucking coincidences, his plane crashes in fucking militray base.

So they shoot down a respected actor and aspiring politican and do you know why? The GOP had been planning something like this for years, ever since they pulled the mask off Hilter's cold machine face, and thanks to giant leaps forward in technology (cough ROSWELL cough) they were just waiting for the right candidate. So they stitch Reagan back together with a positronic brain in the middle and they suddenly had the perfect conservative weapon.

Who the fuck would tell the difference. RobofuckingReagan was cold and heartless yeah but how is that different from any other neoconservative asshole.

Look anyway there is a lot of bullshit out there but if you stick with me we'll get through this.