cruising for a bruising

I've been a major chump lately, all lacking motivation and the general desire to do things that require any effort and concentration. So here I am in a library trying to write a cover letter. I'm writing here in an attempt to break whatever it is that is blocking me from just doing it. Anxiety I guess. Putting myself out there, something I hesitate to do under the best of circumstances. These are not the best of circumstances.

I've been wanting to start a routine, make it an unquestioned part of my day that I get out of my house for even an hour or two a day to work on resumes and job hunting. I have to say an hour or two because I'm basically trying to trick myself into getting work done. These are the coping strategies you learn when you are a serial procrastinator. Anyway I've been having difficulty doing that. Creating a routine. Something in me is resisting real hard, fighting back with stupidly alluring ideas like 'you can start tomorrow' which is such a terrible, awful and seductive phrase that wins me over more than it should. Tomorrow is a powerful concept. There are a lot of tomorrows.

This is helping a little I think. Just laying out my anxieties usually does. Which is why I should do it more. It's odd/frustrating: I'll often think, while in the midst of a good anxiety sesh, I should write this down, deal with it through words, and then I wont. Because if I did then I would have to deal with whatever was making me anxious. My dark passenger (sorry I'm sorry I called it that I'm just trying to simultaneously personify and other whatever part of me is responsible for this) is too smart for that.

I'm applying for a nutty job that I probably wont get and I'm not even sure is a good fit for me, career-wise, but it has the two major benefits of being tangentially related to what I'm interested, and hugely disruptive in terms of my life. I am pro-disruption at this point, just looking for something that will shake things up. A change of scenery is desired. I'm hesitant to say actually say what the job is for fear of jinxing it. Also, mild embarrassment? Think DFW and his supposedly fun thing he'll never do again. Don't know why I'm being so coy now. Nothing coy about my desire to gtfo of here and do something else. A friendquaintance recently got a job as a flight attendant (had to google what the right term for that was) which on the one hand is like, huh thought you were bound for bigger/better things, but on the other hand is like, wow am I envious of the amount of travel you get to do, also your pay and benefits.

Ok feeling slightly better, wish me luck xoxo