A lot of the time when you try something it doesn't work out

Accidental sequel to my last post, which was somehow a year ago? This is a post I think about learning and not learning from mistakes? No that's not fair - what I did wasn't a mistake and I don't want to make light of it. Here's what I did: I asked out another girl, also from work, and was also told that we work better as friends. Which fair enough, but also not the answer I wanted, obviously.

So, a small personal victory surrounded by a larger defeat? What? What even does that mean? I am happy and proud of myself for working up the courage to do this impossible thing, making myself emotionally vulnerable in front of someone I care about. I wouldn't change that. This feels both very junior high and also incredibly important. Maybe it feels so important because it feels so junior high? Anyway. We're still friends, and maybe better friends for having asked? That's the worry right, the idea that the asking will change things for the worse. And things have changed I think, a little bit, maybe imperceptibly, but not for the worse. I'm rambling.

Here's what I want for 2016: I want to be a guy who drinks scotch and tells girls when he likes them. I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer I think? The scotch part I can take or leave to be honest but the ability to tell a person, hey I like you, feels like some sort of superpower that anyone can master with enough hustle.

Also feel like this post is getting away from me? Let's try again, but with more emotional truth.

This is coming out now in word barf form because we went out last night for her birthday and I drank too much and made some poor decisions but also some good ones. The trouble is figuring out which is which? Part of me feels like I should disengage and put some distance between us until I get this thing out of my system but then part of me feels like that is real dumb and I should not worry and just enjoy the ride. I definitely think hanging out one on one is a dicey thing that I should avoid for awhile, just for my own, I don't know, sanity? Why put myself through that?

We drank a lot last night and when we were alone she was like, "How are we doing?" and I was like "Do we really want to talk about this" and then we talked about it, and the asking, and Us and it was good but it was also A Lot. That's the crux of it here. We opened a box and things came out and I can't seem to close the box or even attempt to put the things back inside. I'm being dramatic. I basically told her I have a crush on her, which, yeesh. I don't regret it because 2016 is going to be the year of emotional truth, but still, woof. I said some things that were more cogent, or things that felt cogent in the moment. I told her she doesn't need to justify her decision, or qualify it or make excuses. I said things that basically boiled down to, don't worry about me, it's fine, I'm fine, we're fine, everything is fine. She called me out, saying fine is usually code for terrible, which I can't really disagree with, but it's also the way things need to be? Like it would be weird if I said things are great, when obviously they aren't great. But also this is kind of my thing to work through. She is literally the one person on the world who cannot help in this situation, as much as I think she wants to? So a good talk where a lot of things came out of my mouth (including some actual vom, let's be real) and maybe the start of me getting over this thing? I'm being optimistic.

Here's the thing: I'm not convinced this won't happen. Part of me (the dumb part probably) thinks it's just a waiting game. I've incepted the idea, planted a seed where nothing was growing before (literally though, she was like, I wasn't expecting this at all) (hey there's something to work on: don't be so coy you dummy) (2016 is the year of saying what I want). The ball is in her court. I've literally done all I can do at this point. I don't want carry a torch but also, no isn't necessarily forever. I need to find a less creepy way to say that I think. This whole paragraph was a bad idea, but it's also my emotional truth, so.    

Maybe I will write more posts next year? The year of telling girls I like them and not caring what happens next? (jk I'll see you in a year)