Why Do Today When Hey, You Don't Know Me

I have a serious problem. I procrastinate, and it worries me because I do it chronically and almost pathologically. I can't not procrastinate, and it is scary. I'll assume this is what it's like to use, because I honestly feel like I'm not in control here. I know the consequences of putting off what is due tomorrow, I know that things would be so much easier if I could open a book and just get down and dirty with it earlier than the night before but I just can't. I should be writing an essay right now, and instead I'm here which makes Blogger an enabler I guess but it also makes me a tool.

Ugh, I wanted to make a joke about procrastinator's anonymous, you know "procrastinator's anonymous: we'll meet later" or something but actually funny so I turned to Google but it turns out these groups actually exist. I don't not do because I'm depressed, I don't think, though self-diagnosing depression does sound sketchy, but even still I don't know why I do it, all I really know is that whenever something needs to be done, there is an invisible wall that stands between me and it, and that wall only seems to get stronger and stronger and taller and taller until I'm left sitting here thinking what's the point at all.

I know why it is important to do this essay. Not doing cannot be considered an option. I learned that last year and my GPA hasn't forgiven me yet. Last year was a waste, but I still thought I had learned some valuable lessons, most of them being "Never again". But here I am. I hear some people procrastinate because they are perfectionists. I may have made that up.

I'm good at wasting time is one of the problems. Between computer games (EA's hockey games are my weakness) and the internet I can sink ungodly hours into the most unproductive crap. There's this group on Facebook called "I stay up late all night and I don't do anything productive" which is me in a nutshell. This person on the internet is advising cutting myself off from video games altogether, but that seems drastic. This isn't cigarettes. Moderation must come in somewhere, right?

Or maybe I have no idea what moderation means. Maybe it would be better, quicker to just hide my games out of sight, out if mind. Maaaaan. What do I do. This procrastination is ruining my grades, and weighing me down under so much stress I do not need. My GPA is already shot, and second year is shaping up to be no better than first.

A deeper question that I shouldn't even be talking about is why am I even school? Motivation is in play here, mainly that I don't have much to push me through. I'm not convinced a bachelors in what, I don't even know that yet, is what I need most right now.

Hey! This is no fun. Goodnight.

H.