Just put down the bike and step away

Shit got real last night. They arrested Tom and I was right next to him practically and I have no idea what happened or what he did or why they took him away. I was drunk when it happened; we were all drunk when it happened: one minute we are milling outside the emptying club and the next a bike cop is on the ground and the bike's wheel is spinning in that poignant and important way that upended bicycle wheels do and all I can do is emphasize with the singular and intense focus of an intoxicated person. That man fell off his bike. That is the worst thing that can happen to a man on a bike. I should help him, he probably needs help.

I go to help the fallen cop, I pick his bike up but he doesn't seem interested at all even a little bit in my help. His attention is over there where those other cops have someone pinned down on the road. Another cop approaches me, cautiously, tells me to put the bike down, to go home, to walk away.

My inebriated logic can piece together the narrative: the cop sees a drunk man holding police property at the scene of a crime. I'm struck by the terrible injustice: No don't you see I am a brother cyclist I am trying to help. I keep my mouth shut I put the bike down I walk away I appreciate the situation.

I also realize, I think I was last to this realization, that's Tom under that pile of fluorescent officers. Don't resist stop resisting. That's what the cops are yelling and what I'm thinking. Be as the reeds in the wind, bend but do not break. There are lots of cops now, they are quick. Paddy wagons and mounted units. The horses clear paths easily. They're telling everyone to clear out, go home, nothing to see. We can't of course, that's our Tom, does that even register with the police?

I suddenly feel useless. Useless and drunk. I need my inhibitions, now is not the time for sociability. I can not deal with the world when I am like this. I do not like being drunk outdoors. I am exposed and vulnerable and reek of rum. Please let this night end.

StarTrek

So there I am and we are standing in this circle just talking and picture this I am easily the only one there who has ever watched more than one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation if you know what I mean but we start talking about movies and specifically the new Star Trek movie which is in theatres and making money like crazy. There are six or seven of us and apparently we are in bizarro world or maybe the elevator stopped on the 7 1/2 floor and everything is backwards and surreal because I am the only one who hasn't seen this movie in our little impromptu group. These are all people who have no business in a theatre showing anything Star Trek related I mean they are mostly young women with presumable lives somewhere else so what are they doing I don't get it. The obvious answer is "Spock" but come on that is not satisfying tell me it is because of the prime directive or because of Simon Pegg or something I need this to make sense. And the guy he is an elecrtician or something plus a major hotty with a girlfriend and big arms what is he doing there I am such a failure I can't even nerd it up properly. Just commit to something. Do one thing and do it really well, right?

This isn't a "star trek fan angry at mainstream success of beloved franchise" so much as it is "star trek fan angry at self for failure at being star fan," just to ef your why. Who do these people think they are showing me up, forcing me to stew in silence, what do you mean you don't want to talk about First Contact ugh do not tease a guy like that.

I was thinking how weird it was to have them recast the original crew but wouldn't it be ten times weirder to recast the TNG cast? In twenty or thirty years? The Next Next Generation? Maybe its because even Patrick Stewart isn't all that decrepit yet, i.e still able to probably pull off a decent Picard and not have any one call out his age as an issue, though to be fair he's had the silver fox thing going on for twenty plus years so it's not like we have a golden haired Stewart dancing around Ten-Forward to mentally compare to, like. The weirdness of recasting TNG feels, in my o, on like orders of magnitude greater than the weirdness of recasting TOS but once again its more likely its because the TOS cast could really only wave their rockers or whatever in protest while the TNGers could still put up a good fight.

Oh goodness this should not have been about Star Trek I'm sorry I can only throw myself on the mercy of the courts don't take any of this seriously that is the worst thing you can do.

Death and other pastimes

This guy from high school died. It's weird right? When real life intersects with your own? Real life all muscling in, pins in hand, a bulls eye on your bubble. People die! All the time right? Not people I know, but people in general, in Africa or somewhere, in bank heists and in movies and in nursing homes but twenty year old kids with friends and dreams and etc that need accomplishing?

He was a year younger than me and we didn't know each other very well. Facebook friends. I last saw him a year ago maybe. At a party at someone's place. The last time I talked to him. We were out on the balcony and we were drinking and it was just us two, talking, and he was probably doing most of the talking and I was probably bored or something, in that way you get, when you're cornered at a party by someone you don't really want to talk to because there's a guy or girl in the corner of your eye who you should be talking to, if the universe was feeling just and fair towards you on that night. So that was the last time I saw him.

He was a popular kid if Facebook is anything to go by. He went missing two weeks ago, after a formal dinner. Disappeared into the night and then yesterday they pull his body out of the lake. All those search parties, and this was the result. He made the news a couple times. "Toronto Man Missing" or something which was weird because those are not very good descriptors for anybody, which is the kind of thing you only think when you know the person in question, when "Toronto" and "Man" seem like such poor words: your whole life summed up in one headline. Also: the word "man". He was a man technically, which means so am I which means that headline could easily have been about me, about anybody, is the chilling part, I guess, if we're going to keep digging. I don't feel like an adult but headlines don't know that.

Young people shouldn't die. It seems like a dick move on someone's part that bad things happen to young people who haven't even lived long enough earn it or deserve it or want it. He wanted to join the military, oh irony, was his aspiration, so maybe he would have died later, but in a far off country, a roadside bomb and his face on the front page instead of A25. No fuck off cheap irony is lazy and boring and disrespectful.

My problem is that people around me don't die. I don't know what to do with it. I've never been to a funeral. I know I shouldn't be cracking jokes, and I know it would be inappropriate to post a link to a youtube clip of the final scene of Shane even though it is perfect and I'm sure if Shane were just on-the-run-from-people-who-he-owes-money-to-but-still-checks-facebook-and-keeps-in-touch-with-select-people missing instead of body-in-the-morgue-can-you-identify-him-ma'am? he would appreciate it + find it touching which is the way is how would have intended it to be. Like how funerals should be about celebrating the life that was had instead of mourning that which we lost. Something poignant goes here.

loveletter

there this girl right. it feels good to have a crush. i don't do it enough. a person's heart should flutter every now and then. the usa is rejecting the laissez faire approach to economics. maybe i should reject my laissez faire approach to love. it will happen when it happens but it doesn't happen this isn't a sitcom. we're not going to be comically thrown together when the elevator breaks down, when the teacher pairs us up for groups, when i bump into her on the subway. ok there is a window: we have tutorial together. one hour a week in the same room. after tutorial is the only chance. or sit down next her in lecture by "accident". i did that once and didn't realise it till the end of the lecture but all i did was smile and say hey. hey. that reads a lot dumber than it was, i think.

this is good. i need a record somewhere that this happened. i don't want to forget this little spark. i'll probably starve it of oxygen but at least this will be here as a beacon or memorial or something. goodnight.

"creative" "writing"

i'm going to name this guy john because that is a pretty good white bread everyman name and you can just project whatever
preconceived shit you have against boring white guys named John on to him and that should make my job easier. Ok. John is a normal
guy. "Normal". He probably doesn't know about your subculture and if he does he probably thinks its stupid or weird and he
probably wouldn't date you or get drunk with you. John has a university education because who doesn't these days but it's
probably an mba or something practical and boring so don't ask him about kant or palestine because its just awkward thank you.

john went and married that girl you had a crush on back in school the one who dressed liked a woman from a french WWII
spy film and drank teas you couldn't begin to comprehend. you were so into her remember? too bad john got a job and i heard
he had all his money in gold or chewing gum or whatever the recession proof commodity is so they'll probably be able to buy a
nice house together on the cheap after all they need the extra room with kid number two on the way. too bad for you!

but life is good for you too right. uncomplicated. nobody likes complications. Complications are what doctors call it when they kill you by accident. As in "it is complicated to explain how the scalpel was left inside your husband's stomach" ha ha! So life is good and unhurried at wherever you work. The record store right? That's what you call the HMV where you work. it's a joke you have.
the world lets you pretend you work in a record store like in uhh that movie with molly ringwold and you pretend you don't
notice when people buy nickleback cds. the world is in balance.

but it's not because if it was you wouldn't be thinking about
john and jacqueline - you would be reranking your favourite coen brothers' films in light of no country and burn after reading (only
one dented the top five, not to give too much away). God what were you thinking majoring in film you know you hate people why
would you put yourself into situations where you would have to overhear people being dicks about truffaut v. godard you are a
glutton for punishment. but it worked out because you dropped out and now you get to sell dvds of whatever eddie murphy is doing
these days. "worked out" we both know you never wanted to graduate you don't need anybody to validate you and tell you good job
here's a piece of paper that informs potential employers that this person is masochistic and capable of following instructions and
paying lots of tutition. that's about it right? conformists.

anyway john probably doesn't exist because you just made him up. you haven't seen your french spy since second year was her name even jacqueline? your whole story is now cast with doubt. no doubt there are boring white guys named john who did the sensible thing
and got a practical education and then married quirky chicks with good fashion sense and bubbly personalities but no one can say
if that really is what we're dealing with here. oh god why are you so bitter just go troll the criterion section there has
to be someone you can hit on there so what if she is pasty and has questionable facial piercings it's better then nothing at
least she maybe knows who anthony perkins is - not that that even makes sense as a criterion but ok.

Books are great, 2008

I've started keeping track of books I read in a simple .txt format. I recommend it. I can look at the list and see, obviously a list of books and authors I crushed on, but there's also an entire year, 2008 divided into 31 personal book length segments. Here's what I read, good/bad/ugly, in chronorder:

1. Fresh – Mark McNay

2. The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

3. The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid, A Memoir – Bill Bryson

4. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood

5. Nothing's Sacred - Lewis Black (Winner, Biggest Disappointment '08)

6. Poppy Shakespeare - Clare Allan (favourite cover '08)

7. A Good and Happy Child - Justin Evans

8. After the Quake - Haruki Murakami

9. The Futurist - James P. Othmer

10. The Road - Cormac McCarthy (Cormac is the oh-wowowowow-why-didn't-I-know-this-author-existed-sooner author of the year)

11. Cat's Cradle - Kurt Vonnegut (read this book)

12. 100 Greatest Hockey Arguments - Bob McCown

13. The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay - Michael Chabon

14. Notes From a Small Island - Bill Bryson

15. Your Whole Family is Made of Meat - Ryan North

16. A Spot of Bother - Mark Haddon (<3 Mark Haddon)

17. Bang Crunch Stories - Neil Smith (pleasant surprise '08)

18. Letters to a Young Poet - Rainer Maria Rilke

19. Blood Meridian - Cormac McCarthy

20. Barney's Version - Mordechai Richler

21. Everyman - Philip Roth

22. A Short History of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson

23. Logorrhea - (Ed. John Klima)

24. The Raw Shark Texts - Steven Hall

25. Areas of my Expertise - John Hodgeman

26. Zoology - Ben Dolnick

27. The Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie

28. Slapstick - Kurt Vonnegut

29. Gentlemen of the Road - Michael Chabon

30. The Sandman: Endless Nights - Neil Gaiman

31. Rant - Chuck Palahniuk