Back to school

Starting something new tomorrow, "next phase of my life" type of big deal. I haven't been thinking too much about school deliberately, so as not to psyche myself out too much. I'd rather under-think it than over-think it? Is that where I am these days? Well anyway, I want to catalogue my various minor anxieties as way of owning them.

Ok a) my main thing is that I'll walk in the first day and realize I'm way out of my depth, like full arrested development "I've made a huge mistake." But more than that I'm worried that I'll be out of my depth compared to everyone else. If say at the end of the first class everybody is left scratching their heads then at least we all have a potential bonding moment right? But I've got this fear that everybody will be older, wiser, and more experienced than me. That everyone will have their shit together to a greater degree than me. It's probably unfounded. There will be people who are older than me and maybe have masters degrees (the number one way for me to feel insecure around someone is for me to find out they have an m.a.) but there will also be people who don't. There will likely be some people with more experience in the real world than me, but there will also be some people who don't. And dammit ok even if that's not true and I am the class dullard, someone has to be right? The success of other people does not diminish me. I am stronger than that.

Then b) I'm dealing with general first day of class jitters. The never fun ice breaking exercises. The finding your classes and not knowing anyone and not knowing what to expect (just don't be late for anything you donk). But ice only needs to be broken once. Not knowing someone is a temporary condition and then they are not a stranger anymore.

Which leads to c) and my general loneliness issues. These classes seem to have maybe 20 people in them so theoretically will get to know each other fairly well. It took me five years of university before I made any real lasting friendships. Will I make friends? Will I make... more than friends? It feels dumb to think about any of this because there are too many unkowns. Before I took that one class I would never have dared to dream it would have ended so well, both academically and, more importantly, interpersonally. The friendships I made there are ones I hope last a long, long time. but they're also the kinds of things you can't hope for or begin to expect. I hope to meet some chill, like-minded people in my rough age bracket who have similar life goals and expectations. Maybe I should leave it at that? I (very) briefly started facebook stalking some of my future classmate a month ago before I forced myself to stop. I don't want to go in with expectations. Sometimes too much knowledge can be a handicap.

Anyway this has been fun. Maybe I'll do it some more? I've literally been  saying that for years now, but um you never know. I'm looking to entrench some good habits in the upcoming year. Writing things down might be one of them?