Let Me Off the Ride

I hate this. School is no fun anymore. Maybe fun isn't the right word. But right now school is nothing but a source of stress and I just want it to go away, and I'm achieving this by ignoring school and I know that soon it will be Christmas break and I'll have a few weeks where I can pretend that everything is fine but then I'll come back in January and everything is still going to be awful and those unfinished essays will hang over me and just further reinforce the feeling that I should just give up now and call the whole thing off because it's all hopeless anyways, this place isn't for me, and maybe post-secondary education was the wrong way to go.

School is just so hopeless right now. I try and look back at my situation and all I can see is the hole I've dug for myself and right now it is so deep that crawling out would take the kind of effort and determination that I can never seem to muster these days. I don't know. This horrible part of me wants to give up and throw in that towel and just sit at home and watch the movie network all day and then there's another part of me that realizes the horrible mess I'm in and tries to get me to do something about it but eventually even that side kind of resigns itself and develops a drinking problem and it's all about will power and I've got nothing driving me. I have no connections to this school, no reason to feel I need to do better, and if I were to stop showing up for class tomorrow, there isn't anyone who would notice. This is the situation I have built for myself.

I don't know. I can't see how next semester will be any better when it's built on the ruins of this one. And it's not like this past semester will act as some grim reminder providing a constant kick in the ass because that's not how I work. Last year was supposed to be the grim reminder of what not to do in school and that resolution lasted all the way through September, maybe.

I hate this. I know how much money is being swirled away right now. I wish it was my money from my own pocket. Then I wouldn't feel obligated to mom. I wish I was living on my own so I wouldn't have to answer to people. Moving out sounds so sexy. I'm not about to but I can imagine it. If I could, my to do list would go, Drop out, move out, hook up, rock out and probably get a job too and just figure stuff out on my own. I think the best thing that could get my ass back in class and caring would be throwing myself into the job market. Let's see how long I go before I realise how badly I need that degree, even if it is in something stupid like English or History.

I'm a history major, which is part of the problem. I don't care about history. I mean I do, I can do it and everything but I can't get excited about it. I mean I'm sitting here in second year and I try to imagine myself going through two more years of history and it doesn't make me excited. Thinking of two more years of school doesn't make me excited period.

I need to take some time off. I need to get my drivers license and then I need to get out of here. I want to drive west. I need to get out of here. I need to get laid. I need to figure a lot of stuff out and I really don't feel like that's going to happen around here with the wellspring of guilt sleeping in the other room. I love my parents and they are great but they want what is best for me whatever that is and wouldn't take my aimless phase with open arms. But that's all I want right now, point my nose in any direction and just wander and maybe write some stuff down as I go but the more I think about it the more I know I don't want to be in school any more. There are too many creative differences between us. I don't like writing essays ok.

That's another thing: I don't know if this is just me running away from my troubles at school, or if it's me realising that school just isn't for me. I'm tending towards the running away just because I happen to know myself and blaming the school for my problems seems to easy. But either way I want out. How do I tell my parents that? Now that ten grand or so has been sunk into getting me educated how do I say that's enough now, the tank is full.

All of my problems seem to be entirely self made. I am self-destructive. What does this say about me. I'm sabotaging my university career and I can't help it. I just want out now. School can go suck it. I want off.

Humbert Humbert