Self-discovery

I learned some stuff about myself in Newfoundland. Not good things, not things that make me feel good about myself, but then I haven't felt good about myself in a while so maybe this is a good thing. Self-knowledge is important.The night is darkest etc.

I have trouble getting close to people. I preemptively shut down as a defense mechanism. I am afraid of exposing myself and being hurt. I am afraid that if I allow the real me (whoever that is) to show, people will like me less, find me odd, or form an otherwise unfavourable impression of me. So I keep quiet. I am reluctant to volunteer information about myself, share anecdotes that might add a measure of characterization. I feel like if I can control the narrative sufficiently, I can shape others' perceptions of me, and trick them into thinking I'm a normal, well-adjusted human being with few-to-no hang-ups regarding the every day act of living. But I have lots of hang-ups. I am a collection of neuroses. Where others seem to be able to play these off as cute, charming, Woody Allenish tics, I worry that these will repel people. And so I remain a quiet person who eschews boat rocking. In this way I feel comfortable. People are not repelled. But then, they are also not attracted (the introvert's dilemma?).

I want to own my introversion. I want to understand it. I want to conquer it. I still have such a murky idea of who I am. I manage to achieve the dual feat of being very introverted and rarely introspective. I don't like labeling myself, for example. I used to think this was because I found labels constricting and arbitrary, but I realize it has more to do with how little I know about myself. I can't classify that which I don't understand.

This is in danger of traveling much too far up my own ass. Let's stop here.