a list of bad things and some good things (not as many) about myself

I've been thinking a lot lately, because I don't have much else to do, and video games can only be so distracting, but I've been thinking that I don't know myself very well, that maybe this self-loathing partially stems from a lack of understanding. We fear the unknown, etc. I'm bad at hypotheticals, I'm bad at conjecture, I'm bad at doing anything that requires projecting myself into new and unknown places because I lack a fundamental understanding of how I behave in the here and now. I rarely stop to to consider my actions, preferring to leave it unconsidered. If I don't quantify it, it can't be measured, and yet still retains some great possibility of potential. It's not opening a letter from the university you want to go to. Potential remains unlimited, but also: disappointment.

Try this: Let's quantify some shit. I'm passive, generally content to float on the whims of others. I dislike confrontation and try to make people around me happy, or failing that, not angry at me at least. I have trouble displaying enthusiasm. I can be selfish and solipsistic (Exhibit A: this blog). I want to be perceived as smart by those around me, especially by those whose opinions I respect. I have trouble with criticism. I come off as pleasant in lieu of personable. I fear failure. I worry that I am a fraud, that I am not as smart as I think I am, that I am not as capable as I think I am. I worry that my entire self-perception of myself as a person is at any given time completely off and wrong and that said self-perception bears little resemblance to any recognizable form of reality. I am awkward in social situations. I procrastinate due to said fear of failure and find not-trying-and-not-failing preferable to trying-and-failing. I have trouble forming close friendships. I find emotional intimacy terrifying and avoid it wherever possible. I treat people who express interest in forming an emotional bond with me with skepticism. I tend to run away from relationships, and difficult things in general (opening the mail, replying to emails, initiating conversations &c.). Following from that, I am not always a great friend. I have difficulty saying positive things about myself.

For example: I am a good writer (debatable [is this self-deprecation or self-loathing?? Hard to tell]). I possess a good sense of humour, and am capable of making people laugh (while still worrying that I may have been funnier at an earlier age, that my comedy chops may have peaked at 17). I am patient, and rarely make rash, or hasty decisions (not that there is a strong correlation between time taken and quality of decision made necessarily). I try to treat all people with respect and kindness, regardless of age, sex, gender or socioeconomic status or background (but then again I do have a general need to please. Where does genuine human decency end and general obsequiousness begin?).      

Again: trouble writing positive things. Part of me feels like if I even have to write it, how true can it be? Shouldn't these facts about myself just "be"? And what if I'm wrong? What if they stem out of my wonky sense of self-perception?

And then I feel like the answer to everything above is just "ugh get over yourself." But I feel like this is important. That it happens to be in blog form is incidental. No one is reading this and yet it is the public exhibitionist aspect that makes it even possible for me to write these. It's why I stopped keeping a regular pen and paper journal. Anyway.  

Post Script: It is bothering me that it is so easy for me to ascribe ulterior, negative rationals for the positive traits I listed.  Why is it so easy to see the worst in yourself? I am not a fundamentally terrible person, yet I cannot write anything nice without ascribing some darker meaning to it. Why is that?