november resolution: be less useless

I want to start doubling down on the things that I'm good at. I've written this before, and I'll probably write it again, but I lack confidence in my abilities. It's taken me a ridiculously long time to just write these three sentences. I know I've become sloppier as a writer. For one thing I no longer really see myself as a writer, as a person who writes, as a person with writing in his future. This is a bad thing! I shouldn't have let that happen. The idea of being good at something seems to scare me.

Note I am not claiming a fear of success. "I could have been an author if I had wanted, you know." No, no, nothing like that. It's a fear of failure if anything, a fear of trying and then failing, a fear of being seen to try and then fail, a fear of being seen as less than anything but super-competent at all aspects of human existence.

But still, writing gives me pleasure, and I am capable of stringing words together. Why did I ever stop? For a long time I felt like I had nothing of import to say. The idea of writing for the sake of writing is a little onanistic and I generally dislike self-indulgence (though I can think of no other word to describe the last three or so months of my life). I think I thought that I would put the figurative pen down until such time as I was compelled to pick up again in service of some cause. I gradually came around to the quiet joys of essay writing in school, or rather I grew to appreciate the appreciation a well written paper could net me from professors and TAs.

I want to be good at writing, but I also don't want to put in the legwork necessary to get there. I AM GENERATION Y. I want instant gratification. I know that if I stuck to a routine (routine! that's what my life is missing) improvement would come gradually. But right now my writing skills are as flabby as my arms (exercise! another thing my life is missing) and the thought of exercising mind or body is daunting.

I am afraid of hard work! Please give me a job!