accentuate the positive

Being a shy contrarian is a raw deal, because it's hard to push back against groupthink without saying anything. Anyway I'd like to write something and get some tension out of system.

We've started down a dark spiral again, and it's frustrating to watch. I wish I had some leadership skills here. How do you head this shit off? People are talking about dropping out! Are these just the idle threats of the easily overwhelmed? I want to collectively grab hold of this class and shake them. We are better than this. Yeah there's a lot of work. Yeah not all of it is fun. Christ I just can not stand complainers. You're all university graduates! What crappy schools did you go to that you never felt overwhelmed with school work? This is no different. I feel like if this shit isn't for you, then yeah, just get out now. Obviously S has her failings. Could she be a better educator from a pedagogical standpoint? Yes! Does it really matter though? This is college. You aren't here to get a high GPA. You're here to gain the professional skills, experience and contacts necessary to break into this dumb industry. If you feel like you aren't getting those from this program, I don't know what to say! I feel bad for you son, but I got 99 problems too.

But look, S is a resource. You don't have to be her friend, but you owe her some measure of respect. We've met enough people who will basically bend over backwards for this woman that it seems obvious to me how important it is to cultivate a good relationship with her. She will fight for you. People seem to interpret her actions as uncaring or out of touch, but I don't know. This woman expects the world from us, but she's right to do so. She believes we can conquer the world, and who are we to say we can't? I want to be challenged! I've spent enough time not being challenged to appreciate how rare it is.

I realise "nut up" isn't really super helpful advice, but christ would it kill you all to just nut up for a bit? The class last year was getting ready to throw their symposium this time last year. Things could be worse. Appreciate the opportunities you have and the doors that are being opened. Accentuate the fucking positive.

ugh.

this is skronking my brain right now

“These findings do not mean that people enjoy painful experiences, such as filling out their income-tax forms, or that people enjoy things because they are associated with pain. What they do show is that if a person voluntarily goes through a difficult or a painful experience in order to attain some goal or object, that goal or object becomes more attractive.” – Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson from their book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)

http://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/10/05/the-benjamin-franklin-effect/#more-1459

I don't disagree with this at all but the implication is kind of shitty: Did I legit enjoy going to L'Anse aux Meadow for example, or are my memories of fun times simply post-facto justifications to explain to myself why I exerted so much time, effort and money to see the remnants of a place vikings might have lived once? Because let's recall that trip wasn't all non-stop fun and sun - I spent a lot of it rattling around inside my own head and generally being neurotic and introverted. But when I look back that's not what I think of first. Do I remember having a good time because I indeed had a good time or because I *need* to have had a good time to justify the trip? Ditto the Nashville trip. Remember the bad parts of that trip? If you did, and on regular basis, how would you even function around dad? This is bothering me. I see no benefit on dwelling on shitty episodes of my life, but as a person with a B.A in history, I don't particularly like the idea of eliding or revising my own personal history to reflect some made-up, up-tempo narrative.

(Now putting on my heritage management hat, is there anyway to effectively use this phenomenon? What it comes down to is that people generally enjoy things that they have to work hard for, otherwise why did they work so hard for it? The means justifies the ends? It's a vicious cycle that somebody should monetize, asap)

(P.P.S for the record school is going really well and I should write more about it for posterity, but we'll see how future me feels about that)

Back to school

Starting something new tomorrow, "next phase of my life" type of big deal. I haven't been thinking too much about school deliberately, so as not to psyche myself out too much. I'd rather under-think it than over-think it? Is that where I am these days? Well anyway, I want to catalogue my various minor anxieties as way of owning them.

Ok a) my main thing is that I'll walk in the first day and realize I'm way out of my depth, like full arrested development "I've made a huge mistake." But more than that I'm worried that I'll be out of my depth compared to everyone else. If say at the end of the first class everybody is left scratching their heads then at least we all have a potential bonding moment right? But I've got this fear that everybody will be older, wiser, and more experienced than me. That everyone will have their shit together to a greater degree than me. It's probably unfounded. There will be people who are older than me and maybe have masters degrees (the number one way for me to feel insecure around someone is for me to find out they have an m.a.) but there will also be people who don't. There will likely be some people with more experience in the real world than me, but there will also be some people who don't. And dammit ok even if that's not true and I am the class dullard, someone has to be right? The success of other people does not diminish me. I am stronger than that.

Then b) I'm dealing with general first day of class jitters. The never fun ice breaking exercises. The finding your classes and not knowing anyone and not knowing what to expect (just don't be late for anything you donk). But ice only needs to be broken once. Not knowing someone is a temporary condition and then they are not a stranger anymore.

Which leads to c) and my general loneliness issues. These classes seem to have maybe 20 people in them so theoretically will get to know each other fairly well. It took me five years of university before I made any real lasting friendships. Will I make friends? Will I make... more than friends? It feels dumb to think about any of this because there are too many unkowns. Before I took that one class I would never have dared to dream it would have ended so well, both academically and, more importantly, interpersonally. The friendships I made there are ones I hope last a long, long time. but they're also the kinds of things you can't hope for or begin to expect. I hope to meet some chill, like-minded people in my rough age bracket who have similar life goals and expectations. Maybe I should leave it at that? I (very) briefly started facebook stalking some of my future classmate a month ago before I forced myself to stop. I don't want to go in with expectations. Sometimes too much knowledge can be a handicap.

Anyway this has been fun. Maybe I'll do it some more? I've literally been  saying that for years now, but um you never know. I'm looking to entrench some good habits in the upcoming year. Writing things down might be one of them?  

Pump it up (your confidence)

Got a major case of the "not good enoughs" at the moment. If speaking in fucking aphorisms is what it takes to beat this than so be. Read a quote today, "I am attractive and beautiful, and the more I believe it the more it is true." It's a little glorpy, but also hard to deny. So because some one needs to say it, I will: you are good enough. You are capable of doing things you set out to do. You are capable of not only setting goals but accomplishing them. You need to get out of your own way.

Again, you are good enough. Crushing this interview will be a matter of Knowing Your Shit. If you don't Know Your Shit, who's fault is that? Knowing what you are talking about is the surest fire way to projecting confidence. You've seen this work before. Master the facts, know thyself, kick some ass. You are not perfect, but no one is. Perfection is a shitty ideal. You will likely say at least one dumb thing tomorrow. There will likely be at least one awkward pause. These will not be sufficient grounds for immediate ritual suicide, or self-immolation.

Furthermore, your self worth is not tied to how you do tomorrow. If, for whatever reason you do not get the job, you should not take it as evidence that everything is hopeless. It is not. Use it as a learning experience. Again, you are good enough to get this job. You have the skills, the chops, the attitude. You are not a natural extrovert, but that shit can be faked. You've done it before. Remember to smile. It's good for you. Push the doubt aside. It is the mind killer, the little death.

Also this: You will most likely look goofy tomorrow, reciting their schpiel. You are not an actor, but get over it. Don't make excuses. Don't let them see you sweat. You are Alex Baldwin in Glen Gary Glen Ross, not Jack Lemon. Well that's a stretch. But I think my point is, don't be Jack Lemon in Glen Gary Glen Ross.   

so your life is meaningless

A couple of things re: vulnerability, shame, weakness:

"Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, I wont be worthy of connection?"

"They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were"

These are from a ted talk (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html)

Also a DFW quote that is making more and more sense to me: "Although of course you end up becoming yourself."

There's dissonance between who I am and who I want to be. I've been trying (not hard enough) to gel them together. Maybe the key lies in being vulnerable. In being able to be vulnerable. Can I do that? Can I show that vulnerability or express it to others? I don't know. Not appearing weak is something I strive for generally, but it's also hampering my ability to be genuine/authentic (re: I am not genuinely a strong person) (although it should be said that I am capable of strength) which in turn is hampering my ability to connect on meaningful level with other people.