Periodic update time: big things coming this week. School resumes tomorrow. Internship starts on Tuesday. So! I don't feel prepared. I doubt any one in my class feels particularly ready, so I'm not special in that regard. But still, I've never worked a job that I truly wanted to make a career out of. It just means added pressure. Not caring about your job is a useful fiction. If you screw up it's because you weren't really trying, not deep down at least. I can't fall into that trap, that trap of looking busy without accomplishing anything. I want to accomplish things. I feel like a part of me hasn't gotten that message, that there is a part of me that is ready to shrink away from the challenge, to duck out of sight whenever possible. It's the fraud complex inside of me. For how long can I trick them into believing I am a competent human being? Worse though is this idea that I'm just trying to trick myself. The ruse isn't for their benefit, it's for mine. These are unhelpful thoughts so it's good to shine light on them, spray a little disinfectant in the darker corners of my mind. (I have this idea in my head that just by writing down my problems I can make them go away. Which I think is why I so rarely do write down my problems: if I write a problem down and it fails to go away, my ruse is revealed and I am exposed as a charlatan. Better to hold on to the idea of writing as a cure-all without putting it to the test).
But ok, I am not so dumb or useless as I fear and I am not so smart and resourceful as I would like. Somewhere in the middle. My marks were good last semester, in fact they were superfluous to the point where I have trouble taking them seriously.
I'm re-reading Mental Trap. I feel like it helped in the past, and it's interesting to see that I have actually internalized some of the lessons. Some of it I'm having trouble with. Sometimes it seems like the author is advocating for a very passive existence: e.g if you avoid making plans, you can't be upset when they don't materialize. That is, if you have no expectations of the universe, you will never be disappointed in how things turn out. He argues that it is the difference between what we plan and reality that causes discord and unhappiness with-in us. I.E if you have no plans to watch Community when it returns, you can't get upset when it is yanked from the schedule. I think I might be misreading this part.
Maybe I'll write more (he wrote, and then died, suddenly). I'm reading more at least, so that's a start.
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