The job is great. This isn't about that. I asked out a girl that I like and she said no and now I'm full of a sort of manic energy and I'm channeling that energy this way because what else am I going to do with it? Talk it out? I'm not depressed but there is a little bit of heart-saddness going on. It's not as bad as I thought it would be I guess. These things happen. She was cool about it.
I guess what I liked about this experience and what I will try to take away and build on was the directness of it all. Hey do you want to go on a date with me? No, well ok. End scene. No ambiguity as to my intentions. No ambiguity as to hers. I'll figure this shit out. Everyone else seems to get by ok. I've always felt like I'm just missing just the one puzzle piece that will make starting a relationship make sense to me.
It's bumming me out because I wouldn't have asked her out if I had really thought she was going to say no. Actually I don't know. The last few days a feeling was building up in me that I needed to do this, ask her out, ask someone out, do it now, do it now or never do it ever. Hooray for small personal accomplishments. So what I've learned: I am capable of asking girls out and then not self-immolating when they turn me down. This is important because before this I didn't have definitive proof either way.
Ah bloo bloo hoo no one cares I'll survive. I should write about my job soon tell you about that whole thing. Short version: It's great! Couldn't be better. Everything is going as well as I could have ever hoped for. I'm slowly getting my adult life together. Having a full-time job that you love makes everything else in life seem that much more manageable. Me asking a girl out is directly connected to having this job, and not just because I met her at work. 2015 is shaping up to be a good year. Will this be the year I get my personal and emotional life together? Can I have it all??? Stay tuned.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
It all meant something!
Today was the day I was offered my first big-deal, real-life, adult-adult, full-time with bennys job. Turns out everything was worth it! The ends justified the means! There have been dark periods and times where it was like, why are you doing this, are you dumb, do you have brain damage, you should probably stop? But I didn't! And now I've somehow tricked a major cultural institution into thinking I am competent to do a job! (Note to background check company scouring the internet, that is my fraud complex talking. I am totally competent).
It doesn't feel real. I graduated my college program a year and half ago. I've been scrounging for work in this dumb, wonderful, dumb industry for a year and half! That is a) too long and b) the exact amount time it takes I guess. I shouldn't be glib: I've picked up skills and experiences and contacts in that year and half that are completely integral to how I landed this position. I probably could not have landed this fresh out of college. Age and experience are a potent combination. I don't know! This still feels unreal and I half expect something to go wrong. My references aren't good enough? Something weird in my background check comes up? Who knows??? Why don't I feel like I deserve this? I'm suspicious of my own happiness and that is dumb.
The process from application to acceptance has been insane. I sent in an application on Sunday, got a call back on Tuesday, interviewed once on Wednesday, a second time on Thursday, and now today is Friday. All job application processes should be so fast. Less time to worry, to get nervous, to over think things. Though to be fair I spent the fist half of today stewing in my own juices waiting for the phone call.
What a phone call! Just in terms of general impact on my future and career and everything I do from here on out. This one phone call is this one giant pivot point in my life. Things won't be the same. I'll have money. Not a lot, but compared to my semi-ascetic existence since quitting that fast food job after university (2011) it will do nicely. And the benefits! I can visit my dentist again!
This entry is a bit of a cheat because I skipped over the intervening months since I last posted in April. My last post was a happy one, coming off the post-conference high I was under, full of optimism and hope and sunshine and certainty that things would Work Out. I'd be doing a disservice to my own historical record if I didn't acknowledge that most of the spring and summer of 2014 were spent in an unmotivated funk of unproductivity. Oh and for the record, this is when I began tutoring high school students as a way to make some pocket money, nothing substantial at all, but enough to bank roll me a little longer. But! It all meant something! It added up to this moment, to today and to the next two years of my life at least. Today wouldn't have happened without all those yesterdays, you know?? Is that dumb? I'm starting to sound dumb. Dumb with happiness. Ok! Let's talk soon,
It doesn't feel real. I graduated my college program a year and half ago. I've been scrounging for work in this dumb, wonderful, dumb industry for a year and half! That is a) too long and b) the exact amount time it takes I guess. I shouldn't be glib: I've picked up skills and experiences and contacts in that year and half that are completely integral to how I landed this position. I probably could not have landed this fresh out of college. Age and experience are a potent combination. I don't know! This still feels unreal and I half expect something to go wrong. My references aren't good enough? Something weird in my background check comes up? Who knows??? Why don't I feel like I deserve this? I'm suspicious of my own happiness and that is dumb.
The process from application to acceptance has been insane. I sent in an application on Sunday, got a call back on Tuesday, interviewed once on Wednesday, a second time on Thursday, and now today is Friday. All job application processes should be so fast. Less time to worry, to get nervous, to over think things. Though to be fair I spent the fist half of today stewing in my own juices waiting for the phone call.
What a phone call! Just in terms of general impact on my future and career and everything I do from here on out. This one phone call is this one giant pivot point in my life. Things won't be the same. I'll have money. Not a lot, but compared to my semi-ascetic existence since quitting that fast food job after university (2011) it will do nicely. And the benefits! I can visit my dentist again!
This entry is a bit of a cheat because I skipped over the intervening months since I last posted in April. My last post was a happy one, coming off the post-conference high I was under, full of optimism and hope and sunshine and certainty that things would Work Out. I'd be doing a disservice to my own historical record if I didn't acknowledge that most of the spring and summer of 2014 were spent in an unmotivated funk of unproductivity. Oh and for the record, this is when I began tutoring high school students as a way to make some pocket money, nothing substantial at all, but enough to bank roll me a little longer. But! It all meant something! It added up to this moment, to today and to the next two years of my life at least. Today wouldn't have happened without all those yesterdays, you know?? Is that dumb? I'm starting to sound dumb. Dumb with happiness. Ok! Let's talk soon,
Friday, April 11, 2014
networking for dummies
Feeling good about things at the moment and I feel like it's valuable to record that for posterity. Remind the future me who's reading this that it wasn't all shit all the time. This was a good week. This was a week that made me want to be productive and proactive and reminded me why I want to get into this dumb industry and more importantly made me feel like my breaking into said dumb industry is more of an inevitability than I previously thought.
Let's recap: I got onto the planning committee for this conference a year and a half ago and remember how intimidating that room full of curators and CEOs was at the time? I was less than two months into my college program and way out of my depth and not really able to offer anything constructive. And now look at me! (haha but seriously don't)
The conference wrapped up yesterday, and it went better than I could have expected. It was encouraging to walk the hallways and see people I knew, to realize, oh, I've got the beginnings of a network going, oh, I've been doing something right all along, even if it hasn't paid dividends in the form of, you know, tangible employment. But talking to other young persons you realize this is just how it goes. I want to work in an industry where I'd be willing to (and do) work for free. It takes time, it takes persistence, it takes legwork and volunteering and networking. It takes a bit of luck too (though let's be real, luck is basically a fake idea perpetuated by people who don't work hard enough).
I met some of this year's cohort at the conference too. They were easily identifiable as the clump of young people huddled in the corner, which I get, I've been there. I got to play elder statesman/grizzled vet, offering them truth-bombs about what was waiting for them outside of college. I felt bad at first, when I couldn't tell them how super employed I was in the job of my dreams, but then I was like, there's no point in sugarcoating it. Most of them wont walk out of class and into this sector. Ain't no guarantees here son.
The other by-product is I don't feel as worried about them as competition in the job market. We all have the same certificate, but I have a year's head start on them, and perspective and a network. This last year has not been wasted (though I could have certainly used the time more effectively). Persistence is key. I need to continue to show my commitment to this sector through whatever opportunities come my way and demonstrate that I am serious about this.
I also don't feel as worried about competing with grad students anymore. An important revelation: going to grad school for this sector is dumb as shit. The theory/practice divide is so far out of whack. I attended a session put on by masters candidates (not by choice, I was voluntold) and it was all completely useless, a big masturbatory circlejerk (redundant, yes) that accomplished little but demonstrate that yes, these kids had in fact gone to grad school. I'm still mad about it. I started feeling sorry for the kids at one point. Everything they are doing seems so irrelevant to the industry in practice. I come from an academic background. I know from useless academic jargon. It has no place in this sector. Christ I am going to carry this for a while. Hey kids, here's some advice: don't go to grad school.
But everything else was good. I networked. I formed meaningful relationships! (Yes, me, I formed meaningful connections with other people who were recently strangers to me!) I learned some stuff. And now I feel energized and like I have some momentum again.
So here's the lesson I'll take away from this week: I belong in this industry. These are my people. I can do the things these people are doing. I want to do the things these people are doing. The sense of community, the sense of purpose and dedication and perspective (the way they balance the idealism with the day-to-day realities of running under-appreciated institutions with not enough funding, oh man) that all these people bring to their jobs is both inspiring and encouraging. It hasn't panned out yet, but I have the luxury at the moment to keep trying (almost wrote "to keep tilting at windmills, but whoops, that's a poor allusion). I'm going to keep trying. I'll continue to show up at these places, whether they pay me or not. I'm not that easy to shake.
One last thing, preserved for posterity: I almost sealed the deal with a cute girl who I only met that same night, which, I don't need to tell you, doesn't ever happen to me. Should I have been more persistent? Should I have invited myself up to her hotel room? I mean what's the point in having a hotel room in a strange city if you don't use it for whirlwind trysts? Anyway. It was fun, and maybe that's enough.
Let's recap: I got onto the planning committee for this conference a year and a half ago and remember how intimidating that room full of curators and CEOs was at the time? I was less than two months into my college program and way out of my depth and not really able to offer anything constructive. And now look at me! (haha but seriously don't)
The conference wrapped up yesterday, and it went better than I could have expected. It was encouraging to walk the hallways and see people I knew, to realize, oh, I've got the beginnings of a network going, oh, I've been doing something right all along, even if it hasn't paid dividends in the form of, you know, tangible employment. But talking to other young persons you realize this is just how it goes. I want to work in an industry where I'd be willing to (and do) work for free. It takes time, it takes persistence, it takes legwork and volunteering and networking. It takes a bit of luck too (though let's be real, luck is basically a fake idea perpetuated by people who don't work hard enough).
I met some of this year's cohort at the conference too. They were easily identifiable as the clump of young people huddled in the corner, which I get, I've been there. I got to play elder statesman/grizzled vet, offering them truth-bombs about what was waiting for them outside of college. I felt bad at first, when I couldn't tell them how super employed I was in the job of my dreams, but then I was like, there's no point in sugarcoating it. Most of them wont walk out of class and into this sector. Ain't no guarantees here son.
The other by-product is I don't feel as worried about them as competition in the job market. We all have the same certificate, but I have a year's head start on them, and perspective and a network. This last year has not been wasted (though I could have certainly used the time more effectively). Persistence is key. I need to continue to show my commitment to this sector through whatever opportunities come my way and demonstrate that I am serious about this.
I also don't feel as worried about competing with grad students anymore. An important revelation: going to grad school for this sector is dumb as shit. The theory/practice divide is so far out of whack. I attended a session put on by masters candidates (not by choice, I was voluntold) and it was all completely useless, a big masturbatory circlejerk (redundant, yes) that accomplished little but demonstrate that yes, these kids had in fact gone to grad school. I'm still mad about it. I started feeling sorry for the kids at one point. Everything they are doing seems so irrelevant to the industry in practice. I come from an academic background. I know from useless academic jargon. It has no place in this sector. Christ I am going to carry this for a while. Hey kids, here's some advice: don't go to grad school.
But everything else was good. I networked. I formed meaningful relationships! (Yes, me, I formed meaningful connections with other people who were recently strangers to me!) I learned some stuff. And now I feel energized and like I have some momentum again.
So here's the lesson I'll take away from this week: I belong in this industry. These are my people. I can do the things these people are doing. I want to do the things these people are doing. The sense of community, the sense of purpose and dedication and perspective (the way they balance the idealism with the day-to-day realities of running under-appreciated institutions with not enough funding, oh man) that all these people bring to their jobs is both inspiring and encouraging. It hasn't panned out yet, but I have the luxury at the moment to keep trying (almost wrote "to keep tilting at windmills, but whoops, that's a poor allusion). I'm going to keep trying. I'll continue to show up at these places, whether they pay me or not. I'm not that easy to shake.
One last thing, preserved for posterity: I almost sealed the deal with a cute girl who I only met that same night, which, I don't need to tell you, doesn't ever happen to me. Should I have been more persistent? Should I have invited myself up to her hotel room? I mean what's the point in having a hotel room in a strange city if you don't use it for whirlwind trysts? Anyway. It was fun, and maybe that's enough.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
our heads are just houses without enough windows
Literally haven't thought about this space in four months. Lots has happened!
Just kidding! Let's play catch up: I decided not to pursue that mystery job after interviewing for it. Did I chicken out? Sort of? Maybe I'm not as pro-disruption as I thought I was? Well I'm applying for another thing that is in somewhere other than here, so we'll see. I'll get out of here eventually.
Not really feeling this entry, but I felt some obligation to post something. Anyway.
Just kidding! Let's play catch up: I decided not to pursue that mystery job after interviewing for it. Did I chicken out? Sort of? Maybe I'm not as pro-disruption as I thought I was? Well I'm applying for another thing that is in somewhere other than here, so we'll see. I'll get out of here eventually.
Not really feeling this entry, but I felt some obligation to post something. Anyway.
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