It all meant something!

Today was the day I was offered my first big-deal, real-life, adult-adult, full-time with bennys job. Turns out everything was worth it! The ends justified the means! There have been dark periods and times where it was like, why are you doing this, are you dumb, do you have brain damage, you should probably stop? But I didn't! And now I've somehow tricked a major cultural institution into thinking I am competent to do a job! (Note to background check company scouring the internet, that is my fraud complex talking. I am totally competent).

It doesn't feel real. I graduated my college program a year and half ago. I've been scrounging for work in this dumb, wonderful, dumb industry for a year and half! That is a) too long and b) the exact amount time it takes I guess. I shouldn't be glib: I've picked up skills and experiences and contacts in that year and half that are completely integral to how I landed this position. I probably could not have landed this fresh out of college. Age and experience are a potent combination. I don't know! This still feels unreal and I half expect something to go wrong. My references aren't good enough? Something weird in my background check comes up? Who knows??? Why don't I feel like I deserve this? I'm suspicious of my own happiness and that is dumb.

The process from application to acceptance has been insane. I sent in an application on Sunday, got a call back on Tuesday, interviewed once on Wednesday, a second time on Thursday, and now today is Friday. All job application processes should be so fast. Less time to worry, to get nervous, to over think things. Though to be fair I spent the fist half of today stewing in my own juices waiting for the phone call.

What a phone call! Just in terms of general impact on my future and career and everything I do from here on out. This one phone call is this one giant pivot point in my life. Things won't be the same. I'll have money. Not a lot, but compared to my semi-ascetic existence since quitting that fast food job after university (2011) it will do nicely. And the benefits! I can visit my dentist again!

This entry is a bit of a cheat because I skipped over the intervening months since I last posted in April. My last post was a happy one, coming off the post-conference high I was under, full of optimism and hope and sunshine and certainty that things would Work Out. I'd be doing a disservice to my own historical record if I didn't acknowledge that most of the spring and summer of 2014 were spent in an unmotivated funk of unproductivity. Oh and for the record, this is when I began tutoring high school students as a way to make some pocket money, nothing substantial at all, but enough to bank roll me a little longer. But! It all meant something! It added up to this moment, to today and to the next two years of my life at least. Today wouldn't have happened without all those yesterdays, you know?? Is that dumb? I'm starting to sound dumb. Dumb with happiness. Ok! Let's talk soon,