lean in

We were waiting for the bus that would take her home on Saturday and in the moment it became so agonizingly clear that this was the moment to kiss her. Nothing had been more important or more obvious in my life before. I felt very clearly that I stood on a precipice, that two options were laid out before me. One was safety and the known, the other involved flinging myself off the cliff and into this other person.

I smiled (like, but in a charming way) and leaned in and said "Do you want to try this?"

And then we kissed. It was terrifying and momentous and absolutely right and only a little awkward.

Last night was even better. I think this is a real thing going on between us. I sense no hesitation from her and I want to match that. I want to live up to it. I've never had this connection with another person before, physically or emotionally. Feeling desired by a person you desire is an amazing drug. It feels like an impossible thing, two people coming together.

(Just for the record, I don't think "Do you want to try this is?" is like an amazing line that needs to be remembered and studied, but it is the thing that I said in the moment and as such has some value, for me personally. Though I don't know, in the context of who I am and what I'm about and where we were standing and everything that had come before us leading up to that moment, maybe it was the perfect thing to say??)

I'm the man to see

So she asked me out and I said yes because I still am very much into her. I feel... vindicated? Validated? Like I'm not in fact a crazy person? Because last night we were drinking together and something was happening between us and I didn't want to push it because we had established boundaries and I was not going to be the one to test them but also?? We left in a good but confusing place, to the point where today I was wondering if I should have... leaned in? Said something?

But today she messaged me asking if my date offer had an expiry date.

I'm humming with excitement right now. I've been buzzing since I got the text. This is good. This is new for me. This is what I wanted. Don't screw this up! But what's there to screw up? We know each other. Just add some kissing. This is a lot for me. Be cool, but also, not too cool. I didn't get this far by being a cool dude. Own my emotional space. If this is a lot for me, let her know. Emotional honesty! Sentences getting shorter. Can't process much more right now.

You can do this. You played the long game now claim your victory (gross). But it's nice to know being a decent person pays off sometimes?? God I just want to talk to her right now. Barf. Ok. Obviously I'm all over the place. More later probably.