so girls, I'm bad with them. There is such a gulf between what I think should happen and my ability to get there that it is not really funny. Like I can talk to girls, that's not really the problem. I am capable of having a functional, healthy conversation with a person I am attracted to. So that's one hurdle cleared.
But ok, there's this girl and I was working on small project with her for class so we were thrown into close contact with each other for a good 48 hour period and obviously I am incapable of being around any moderately attractive female person for any extended period of time without developing a major crush. She's cute and smart and confidant which is like, hello, three checks off my 3 point criteria for the Perfect Woman. I mean its not even fair how attractive she was, but also just comfortable with herself as a person which I find kind of irresistible in the right circumstances. Probably because I lack that same comfort with myself? Am I some sort of confidence vampire? Feeding off their strong feminine sexuality?? Undoubtedly.
So there's a tension, I'm attracted to confidant girls because I lack confidence in myself (you always want you can't have?) but that lack of confidence cripples my ability to even conceive of a reality in which a Hypothetical Confidant Woman would be even interested in me. Like if I'm not even crazy about myself what right do I have to go around foisting myself on others?
So we finished our assignment, and our little contract basically dissolved and suddenly there was like zero reason for us to really even know each other anymore. Like we had a couple good convos where we just shot the breeze talking about school and classes and whatever and it's not like she wasn't engaged but it's like does that constitute enough to form some sort of lasting relationship around? Really don't want to be the pervy guy who hits on everything that moves but I think I might be too respectful of women? If that makes sense? She's so hot she's making me sexist etc.
Is our relationship close enough to add her on facebook? Like I also don't want to be the guy who friends you on facebook after knowing you for 5 minutes. I don't want to be a lot of things. I'm pretty clear on what I don't want to be. Everything else is question marks.
We parted ways after class today and I just had this sinking feeling, like my heart was just filled with a mopey sort of lethargy. They always say that the worst thing that could happen if you ask someone out is s/he'll say "no" and what's so bad about that? Um, everything? Rejection is the fucking worst, especially when it comes from someone you've put on a pedestal. I can't deal with rejection, especially not from somebody I already know (even if its only been a few days). That's even worse because she's not rejecting a stranger but some one she knows and has formed opinions about. Really don't know if I could take the revelation that we've built up asymmetrical opinions of each other in our heads. And how could we not have? I've basically conceived her as a dream girl incapable of wrongdoing (well she is from alberta so...) which is a dumb and probably unhealthy way to conceptualize of anyone.
And its so frustrating because yesterday I felt on top of the world, like capable of anything and possibly indestructible and today I have a dull ache in my heart and I'm profoundly exhausted by the thought of school. These last couple of weeks I have been working just insanely hard and then suddenly there were no immediate deadlines, nothing was due the next day and I just crashed. It's like I had some sort of animating force propelling and suddenly it vanished and I am a lifeless golem again.
It's like you work so hard for something and then you get there or get it and you realize it was always kind of false to begin with and it just shatters your will to continue.
I'm also annoyed because I only just now feel like i understand how to "do" university, and it so close to being over. Like I wasted so much time and while obviously all that time is a factor in who I am today and the decisions I make now, just thinking abck on the poor choices and just the miserable state I was during what are ostensibly supposed to be the best years of my life? fffuck. I'm making up for lost time in a lot of ways - I have friends at school and talk to professors and even know a few people on a low level first name basis which is brilliant and is exactly the sort of thing I avoided doing during any of the last four years. But there are two weeks left and then its summer school and that is unlikely to be any fun at all via not being courses I'm interested plus also full of people I don't know, won't have shared classes with before and its like arrrgh this shit is not fair. I want a do over.
Like I said, yesterday i felt great about all of this. I had a crush on a girl, friends, acquaintances, a few solid weeks of non-stop studying and work behind me and everything made a certain amount of sense. I want that back damn it, not this stupid angst. I feel like fucking teenager and it's not pleasant.
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