lean in

We were waiting for the bus that would take her home on Saturday and in the moment it became so agonizingly clear that this was the moment to kiss her. Nothing had been more important or more obvious in my life before. I felt very clearly that I stood on a precipice, that two options were laid out before me. One was safety and the known, the other involved flinging myself off the cliff and into this other person.

I smiled (like, but in a charming way) and leaned in and said "Do you want to try this?"

And then we kissed. It was terrifying and momentous and absolutely right and only a little awkward.

Last night was even better. I think this is a real thing going on between us. I sense no hesitation from her and I want to match that. I want to live up to it. I've never had this connection with another person before, physically or emotionally. Feeling desired by a person you desire is an amazing drug. It feels like an impossible thing, two people coming together.

(Just for the record, I don't think "Do you want to try this is?" is like an amazing line that needs to be remembered and studied, but it is the thing that I said in the moment and as such has some value, for me personally. Though I don't know, in the context of who I am and what I'm about and where we were standing and everything that had come before us leading up to that moment, maybe it was the perfect thing to say??)

I'm the man to see

So she asked me out and I said yes because I still am very much into her. I feel... vindicated? Validated? Like I'm not in fact a crazy person? Because last night we were drinking together and something was happening between us and I didn't want to push it because we had established boundaries and I was not going to be the one to test them but also?? We left in a good but confusing place, to the point where today I was wondering if I should have... leaned in? Said something?

But today she messaged me asking if my date offer had an expiry date.

I'm humming with excitement right now. I've been buzzing since I got the text. This is good. This is new for me. This is what I wanted. Don't screw this up! But what's there to screw up? We know each other. Just add some kissing. This is a lot for me. Be cool, but also, not too cool. I didn't get this far by being a cool dude. Own my emotional space. If this is a lot for me, let her know. Emotional honesty! Sentences getting shorter. Can't process much more right now.

You can do this. You played the long game now claim your victory (gross). But it's nice to know being a decent person pays off sometimes?? God I just want to talk to her right now. Barf. Ok. Obviously I'm all over the place. More later probably.

A lot of the time when you try something it doesn't work out

Accidental sequel to my last post, which was somehow a year ago? This is a post I think about learning and not learning from mistakes? No that's not fair - what I did wasn't a mistake and I don't want to make light of it. Here's what I did: I asked out another girl, also from work, and was also told that we work better as friends. Which fair enough, but also not the answer I wanted, obviously.

So, a small personal victory surrounded by a larger defeat? What? What even does that mean? I am happy and proud of myself for working up the courage to do this impossible thing, making myself emotionally vulnerable in front of someone I care about. I wouldn't change that. This feels both very junior high and also incredibly important. Maybe it feels so important because it feels so junior high? Anyway. We're still friends, and maybe better friends for having asked? That's the worry right, the idea that the asking will change things for the worse. And things have changed I think, a little bit, maybe imperceptibly, but not for the worse. I'm rambling.

Here's what I want for 2016: I want to be a guy who drinks scotch and tells girls when he likes them. I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer I think? The scotch part I can take or leave to be honest but the ability to tell a person, hey I like you, feels like some sort of superpower that anyone can master with enough hustle.

Also feel like this post is getting away from me? Let's try again, but with more emotional truth.

This is coming out now in word barf form because we went out last night for her birthday and I drank too much and made some poor decisions but also some good ones. The trouble is figuring out which is which? Part of me feels like I should disengage and put some distance between us until I get this thing out of my system but then part of me feels like that is real dumb and I should not worry and just enjoy the ride. I definitely think hanging out one on one is a dicey thing that I should avoid for awhile, just for my own, I don't know, sanity? Why put myself through that?

We drank a lot last night and when we were alone she was like, "How are we doing?" and I was like "Do we really want to talk about this" and then we talked about it, and the asking, and Us and it was good but it was also A Lot. That's the crux of it here. We opened a box and things came out and I can't seem to close the box or even attempt to put the things back inside. I'm being dramatic. I basically told her I have a crush on her, which, yeesh. I don't regret it because 2016 is going to be the year of emotional truth, but still, woof. I said some things that were more cogent, or things that felt cogent in the moment. I told her she doesn't need to justify her decision, or qualify it or make excuses. I said things that basically boiled down to, don't worry about me, it's fine, I'm fine, we're fine, everything is fine. She called me out, saying fine is usually code for terrible, which I can't really disagree with, but it's also the way things need to be? Like it would be weird if I said things are great, when obviously they aren't great. But also this is kind of my thing to work through. She is literally the one person on the world who cannot help in this situation, as much as I think she wants to? So a good talk where a lot of things came out of my mouth (including some actual vom, let's be real) and maybe the start of me getting over this thing? I'm being optimistic.

Here's the thing: I'm not convinced this won't happen. Part of me (the dumb part probably) thinks it's just a waiting game. I've incepted the idea, planted a seed where nothing was growing before (literally though, she was like, I wasn't expecting this at all) (hey there's something to work on: don't be so coy you dummy) (2016 is the year of saying what I want). The ball is in her court. I've literally done all I can do at this point. I don't want carry a torch but also, no isn't necessarily forever. I need to find a less creepy way to say that I think. This whole paragraph was a bad idea, but it's also my emotional truth, so.    

Maybe I will write more posts next year? The year of telling girls I like them and not caring what happens next? (jk I'll see you in a year)

Sometimes when you try something it doesn't work out

The job is great. This isn't about that. I asked out a girl that I like and she said no and now I'm full of a sort of manic energy and I'm channeling that energy this way because what else am I going to do with it? Talk it out? I'm not depressed but there is a little bit of heart-saddness going on. It's not as bad as I thought it would be I guess. These things happen. She was cool about it.

I guess what I liked about this experience and what I will try to take away and build on was the directness of it all. Hey do you want to go on a date with me? No, well ok. End scene. No ambiguity as to my intentions. No ambiguity as to hers. I'll figure this shit out. Everyone else seems to get by ok. I've always felt like I'm just missing just the one puzzle piece that will make starting a relationship make sense to me.

It's bumming me out because I wouldn't have asked her out if I had really thought she was going to say no. Actually I don't know. The last few days a feeling was building up in me that I needed to do this, ask her out, ask someone out, do it now, do it now or never do it ever. Hooray for small personal accomplishments.  So what I've learned: I am capable of asking girls out and then not self-immolating when they turn me down. This is important because before this I didn't have definitive proof either way.

Ah bloo bloo hoo no one cares I'll survive. I should write about my job soon tell you about that whole thing. Short version: It's great! Couldn't be better. Everything is going as well as I could have ever hoped for. I'm slowly getting my adult life together. Having a full-time job that you love makes everything else in life seem that much more manageable. Me asking a girl out is directly connected to having this job, and not just because I met her at work. 2015 is shaping up to be a good year. Will this be the year I get my personal and emotional life together? Can I have it all??? Stay tuned.
 

It all meant something!

Today was the day I was offered my first big-deal, real-life, adult-adult, full-time with bennys job. Turns out everything was worth it! The ends justified the means! There have been dark periods and times where it was like, why are you doing this, are you dumb, do you have brain damage, you should probably stop? But I didn't! And now I've somehow tricked a major cultural institution into thinking I am competent to do a job! (Note to background check company scouring the internet, that is my fraud complex talking. I am totally competent).

It doesn't feel real. I graduated my college program a year and half ago. I've been scrounging for work in this dumb, wonderful, dumb industry for a year and half! That is a) too long and b) the exact amount time it takes I guess. I shouldn't be glib: I've picked up skills and experiences and contacts in that year and half that are completely integral to how I landed this position. I probably could not have landed this fresh out of college. Age and experience are a potent combination. I don't know! This still feels unreal and I half expect something to go wrong. My references aren't good enough? Something weird in my background check comes up? Who knows??? Why don't I feel like I deserve this? I'm suspicious of my own happiness and that is dumb.

The process from application to acceptance has been insane. I sent in an application on Sunday, got a call back on Tuesday, interviewed once on Wednesday, a second time on Thursday, and now today is Friday. All job application processes should be so fast. Less time to worry, to get nervous, to over think things. Though to be fair I spent the fist half of today stewing in my own juices waiting for the phone call.

What a phone call! Just in terms of general impact on my future and career and everything I do from here on out. This one phone call is this one giant pivot point in my life. Things won't be the same. I'll have money. Not a lot, but compared to my semi-ascetic existence since quitting that fast food job after university (2011) it will do nicely. And the benefits! I can visit my dentist again!

This entry is a bit of a cheat because I skipped over the intervening months since I last posted in April. My last post was a happy one, coming off the post-conference high I was under, full of optimism and hope and sunshine and certainty that things would Work Out. I'd be doing a disservice to my own historical record if I didn't acknowledge that most of the spring and summer of 2014 were spent in an unmotivated funk of unproductivity. Oh and for the record, this is when I began tutoring high school students as a way to make some pocket money, nothing substantial at all, but enough to bank roll me a little longer. But! It all meant something! It added up to this moment, to today and to the next two years of my life at least. Today wouldn't have happened without all those yesterdays, you know?? Is that dumb? I'm starting to sound dumb. Dumb with happiness. Ok! Let's talk soon,

networking for dummies

Feeling good about things at the moment and I feel like it's valuable to record that for posterity. Remind the future me who's reading this that it wasn't all shit all the time. This was a good week. This was a week that made me want to be productive and proactive and reminded me why I want to get into this dumb industry and more importantly made me feel like my breaking into said dumb industry is more of an inevitability than I previously thought.

Let's recap: I got onto the planning committee for this conference a year and a half ago and remember how intimidating that room full of curators and CEOs was at the time? I was less than two months into my college program and way out of my depth and not really able to offer anything constructive. And now look at me! (haha but seriously don't)

The conference wrapped up yesterday, and it went better than I could have expected. It was encouraging to walk the hallways and see people I knew, to realize, oh, I've got the beginnings of a network going, oh, I've been doing something right all along, even if it hasn't paid dividends in the form of, you know, tangible employment. But talking to other young persons you realize this is just how it goes. I want to work in an industry where I'd be willing to (and do) work for free. It takes time, it takes persistence, it takes legwork and volunteering and networking. It takes a bit of luck too (though let's be real, luck is basically a fake idea perpetuated by people who don't work hard enough).

I met some of this year's cohort at the conference too. They were easily identifiable as the clump of  young people huddled in the corner, which I get, I've been there. I got to play elder statesman/grizzled vet, offering them truth-bombs about what was waiting for them outside of college. I felt bad at first, when I couldn't tell them how super employed I was in the job of my dreams, but then I was like, there's no point in sugarcoating it. Most of them wont walk out of class and into this sector. Ain't no guarantees here son.

The other by-product is I don't feel as worried about them as competition in the job market. We all have the same certificate, but I have a year's head start on them, and perspective and a network. This last year has not been wasted (though I could have certainly used the time more effectively). Persistence is key. I need to continue to show my commitment to this sector through whatever opportunities come my way and demonstrate that I am serious about this.

I also don't feel as worried about competing with grad students anymore. An important revelation: going to grad school for this sector is dumb as shit. The theory/practice divide is so far out of whack. I attended a session put on by masters candidates (not by choice, I was voluntold) and it was all completely useless, a big masturbatory circlejerk (redundant, yes) that accomplished little but demonstrate that yes, these kids had in fact gone to grad school. I'm still mad about it. I started feeling sorry for the kids at one point. Everything they are doing seems so irrelevant to the industry in practice. I come from an academic background. I know from useless academic jargon. It has no place in this sector. Christ I am going to carry this for a while. Hey kids, here's some advice: don't go to grad school.

But everything else was good. I networked. I formed meaningful relationships! (Yes, me, I formed meaningful connections with other people who were recently strangers to me!) I learned some stuff. And now I feel energized and like I have some momentum again.

So here's the lesson I'll take away from this week: I belong in this industry. These are my people. I can do the things these people are doing. I want to do the things these people are doing. The sense of community, the sense of purpose and dedication and perspective (the way they balance the idealism with the day-to-day realities of running under-appreciated institutions with not enough funding, oh man) that all these people bring to their jobs is both inspiring and encouraging. It hasn't panned out yet, but I have the luxury at the moment to keep trying (almost wrote "to keep tilting at windmills, but whoops, that's a poor allusion). I'm going to keep trying. I'll continue to show up at these places, whether they pay me or not. I'm not that easy to shake.

One last thing, preserved for posterity: I almost sealed the deal with a cute girl who I only met that same night, which, I don't need to tell you, doesn't ever happen to me. Should I have been more persistent? Should I have invited myself up to her hotel room? I mean what's the point in having a hotel room in a strange city if you don't use it for whirlwind trysts? Anyway. It was fun, and maybe that's enough.

our heads are just houses without enough windows

Literally haven't thought about this space in four months. Lots has happened!

Just kidding! Let's play catch up: I decided not to pursue that mystery job after interviewing for it. Did I chicken out? Sort of? Maybe I'm not as pro-disruption as I thought I was? Well I'm applying for another thing that is in somewhere other than here, so we'll see. I'll get out of here eventually.

Not really feeling this entry, but I felt some obligation to post something. Anyway.

cruisin for a bruisin 2

Job interview in a couple of hours and I am nervous as all get out. It's a sales position basically and so all my general anxieties over being a bad salesperson are resurfacing. Got to trick this person into thinking I have my shit together. Got to be confident in myself and my abilities and my accomplishments. Smile. Make small talk (have you heard about my mayor). Sell my damn body. This is that furniture store all over again. Who is going to trust me to sell expensive anythings?

Ok the knot in my stomach has loosened slightly. Let's see how this goes.

cruising for a bruising

I've been a major chump lately, all lacking motivation and the general desire to do things that require any effort and concentration. So here I am in a library trying to write a cover letter. I'm writing here in an attempt to break whatever it is that is blocking me from just doing it. Anxiety I guess. Putting myself out there, something I hesitate to do under the best of circumstances. These are not the best of circumstances.

I've been wanting to start a routine, make it an unquestioned part of my day that I get out of my house for even an hour or two a day to work on resumes and job hunting. I have to say an hour or two because I'm basically trying to trick myself into getting work done. These are the coping strategies you learn when you are a serial procrastinator. Anyway I've been having difficulty doing that. Creating a routine. Something in me is resisting real hard, fighting back with stupidly alluring ideas like 'you can start tomorrow' which is such a terrible, awful and seductive phrase that wins me over more than it should. Tomorrow is a powerful concept. There are a lot of tomorrows.

This is helping a little I think. Just laying out my anxieties usually does. Which is why I should do it more. It's odd/frustrating: I'll often think, while in the midst of a good anxiety sesh, I should write this down, deal with it through words, and then I wont. Because if I did then I would have to deal with whatever was making me anxious. My dark passenger (sorry I'm sorry I called it that I'm just trying to simultaneously personify and other whatever part of me is responsible for this) is too smart for that.

I'm applying for a nutty job that I probably wont get and I'm not even sure is a good fit for me, career-wise, but it has the two major benefits of being tangentially related to what I'm interested, and hugely disruptive in terms of my life. I am pro-disruption at this point, just looking for something that will shake things up. A change of scenery is desired. I'm hesitant to say actually say what the job is for fear of jinxing it. Also, mild embarrassment? Think DFW and his supposedly fun thing he'll never do again. Don't know why I'm being so coy now. Nothing coy about my desire to gtfo of here and do something else. A friendquaintance recently got a job as a flight attendant (had to google what the right term for that was) which on the one hand is like, huh thought you were bound for bigger/better things, but on the other hand is like, wow am I envious of the amount of travel you get to do, also your pay and benefits.

Ok feeling slightly better, wish me luck xoxo

summer just, like, ended

Started a new writing project with some friends and friends of friends and I'm feeling rusty. Also feeling a lot of anxiety . It's been one year since I went back to school and my life is not noticeably different. There's more clarity of purpose at least but the metaphorical clock is ticking. Feel like I need to come up with some sort of employment fast. How can I do that with out feeling like I'm settling? Maybe I should just settle. Hate being that over-qualified guy. Well I'm not so much 'over-qualified,' more like I have an abundance of non-relevant qualifications.

But this writing thing might be neat. Might be. Still early days and I don't feel super invested in it. It's nice that it's someone else's responsibility. Someone else can worry about SEO and social media and posting things to reddit. Met with one of the guys spearheading it. I'm skeptical at his ambitions. Podcasts? But I think it's a mark of growth (or something) that I can step back and say sure let's see what happens. It's a lot easier to do that with someone else's baby. I'm the guy with doubts. Is that worth something? The trick seems differentiating between being practical and being negative. Not always so easy.

This also means getting back on the old horse ("You're doing heroin??" "No! I'm back on the bike!" "What's bike?") Haven't written serious history stuff in awhile. Got that performance anxiety. But it's like this: you choose something you are genuinely interested in and than try to communicate that interest with words. It's not that hard.